Psychology of relationships between men and women
One of the most favorite stories of Hollywood cinema in various variations describes a situation where a callous father forces his creative, freedom-loving son to settle down and become a lawyer – that is, to push their desires away and satisfy their father's claims. American idealism draws its own natural happy end, in which the son proves to everyone how good he is, that he boldly followed his heart and achieved happiness, and did not fall for the father's pointer. And such a contrasting confrontation of personal will against someone else's clearly reflects the conflict in the minds of most people, where their own innards are painfully bent under the pressure of external ideals.
If the will of ideals wins, a person languishes from senselessness and longing for the impossible – something important, but long forgotten in their gray everyday life. If the gut wins, the person faces the threat of being a lone white crow, kicked out of the social "matrix" for their otherness.
To fully accept such a challenge and feel deprived of public support for a formed personality by its nature is like death. Therefore, there remains a Golden mean, where the individual, at least, understands the social "language" and forms useful qualities for society.
In this sense, it would be possible to be yourself one hundred percent only in some magical vacuum, where all desires are realized at the Beck of a thought without any annoying obstacles. And in our "angular" world we have to live with an eye on the conditions and really available opportunities. Otherwise, the world "punishes". That is, we ourselves, acting carelessly, punish ourselves by running into these very "conditions". I am not talking about physical reality with its visually solid objects, but about the fuzzy world where the individual resides – the world of ideas.
The ideas that a healthy person uses are realistic-they Express what is happening. If the ideas about what is happening do not satisfy the individual, he plunges into a personal psychic cinema, where he draws his own Napoleonic performance. The deeper this dive, the weaker the contact with the"real". The weaker the contact with the real, the more intense the internal conflict between the desired and the actual.
I'm not talking here about some mentally ill asocial individuals. This is about all of us. Everyone is torn between love for real life and falling in love with the desired one to varying degrees. In fact, this is the difference between love and falling in love.
Idealization in relationships
Idealization in a relationship is simple, love is when you like what you have. And falling in love is when you don't like what you have, but somewhere "out there" in the back of your mind you see an "ideal" goal, designed to change what is, bending it to your ideal standards. In this sense, love is the opposite of love – it does not accept the present, but denies it for the sake of the goal.
Therefore, lovers are always waiting for something: changes, special attention and care, so that their rosy ideals are satisfied. That is, a lover does not love a real person at all. Blinded by anticipations, he does not even notice who is in front of him, whimsically frets and waits for the chosen one to fulfill his dream – to become the "right" favorite in accordance with the format of the idea.
Feelings and desires of the object of love are not taken into account – they are just nonsense hindrances on the way to the goal. Love does not allow any objections to its ideal. And when a real person begins to interfere with the implementation of the expectations imposed on him, resentments and accusations of poor quality of response feelings fall on his side.
And the lover is surprised that the beloved does not understand that "everything is so simple, and you only need to go to the meeting of "love" – so important and "light" that even to admit its falsity is not possible. In fact, the" light " feelings of a lover are a whimsical, childishly naive anticipation of the realization of their most cherished fantasies.
Therefore, in other respects, there is such a paradoxical situation when the partner who really loves is perceived as cold and callous, and the lover with his motley emotions does not even notice the real person in fact, and rather on the contrary – does not love, so he remakes it with a rapturous pickiness.
As always, I deliberately thicken and exaggerate to emphasize the implicit.
Impenetrability
Blindness acts like a drug-it allows you to cover the inner emptiness-the fear of life without ideal supports, and causes severe withdrawal when the "drug" leaves the access zone. But the lover refuses to recognize the reality until the very end, because his hopes are so Grand, and his feelings are so " Holy»… As long as reality doesn't push them through, bringing down pitiless facts on fairy-tale dreams.
However, the collapse of unrealistic hopes does not allow everyone to draw constructive conclusions. The unlucky lover begins to think that the whole thing is about the injustice of life, which coldly deprived the expected dream. Or an inferiority complex comes into force, and then a person bends from a sense of unworthiness, saying that he simply did not deserve happiness due to his innate mental defects.
Take and deal with their idealism about no one can. It seems that this mechanism is rooted deep in the psyche of literally everyone. And the degree of realism, where the person is not chasing rainbow chimeras, and looks at life, even the most adequate people are very relative.
And love… There is nothing beyond it. This pleasure is real, without any embellishments and tedious expectations. No pathos or pathos.
But ask the layman about the difference between love and falling in love, and the answer will be that love is one for life, inexorable and eternal, and there are many loves. That is, they usually talk about the same blind idealization, but elevated to a superlative degree.
But we can also love what we have very conditionally. On progressman.ru a number of articles are devoted to the topic of psychic projections. Let me briefly remind you that life as we know it is a collection of subjective understandings. Therefore, love happens to a person when his picture of the world resonates in accordance with what is happening. A person can love when, with all his aspirations, he calms down and quietly allows everything to remain as it is.
Love is acceptance of what is happening. Falling in love is compensation for dissatisfaction with what is happening. Love agrees, love demands.
Перевод: Ушурова Ясмина https://incatalog.kz/
If the will of ideals wins, a person languishes from senselessness and longing for the impossible – something important, but long forgotten in their gray everyday life. If the gut wins, the person faces the threat of being a lone white crow, kicked out of the social "matrix" for their otherness.
To fully accept such a challenge and feel deprived of public support for a formed personality by its nature is like death. Therefore, there remains a Golden mean, where the individual, at least, understands the social "language" and forms useful qualities for society.
In this sense, it would be possible to be yourself one hundred percent only in some magical vacuum, where all desires are realized at the Beck of a thought without any annoying obstacles. And in our "angular" world we have to live with an eye on the conditions and really available opportunities. Otherwise, the world "punishes". That is, we ourselves, acting carelessly, punish ourselves by running into these very "conditions". I am not talking about physical reality with its visually solid objects, but about the fuzzy world where the individual resides – the world of ideas.
The ideas that a healthy person uses are realistic-they Express what is happening. If the ideas about what is happening do not satisfy the individual, he plunges into a personal psychic cinema, where he draws his own Napoleonic performance. The deeper this dive, the weaker the contact with the"real". The weaker the contact with the real, the more intense the internal conflict between the desired and the actual.
I'm not talking here about some mentally ill asocial individuals. This is about all of us. Everyone is torn between love for real life and falling in love with the desired one to varying degrees. In fact, this is the difference between love and falling in love.
Idealization in relationships
Idealization in a relationship is simple, love is when you like what you have. And falling in love is when you don't like what you have, but somewhere "out there" in the back of your mind you see an "ideal" goal, designed to change what is, bending it to your ideal standards. In this sense, love is the opposite of love – it does not accept the present, but denies it for the sake of the goal.
Therefore, lovers are always waiting for something: changes, special attention and care, so that their rosy ideals are satisfied. That is, a lover does not love a real person at all. Blinded by anticipations, he does not even notice who is in front of him, whimsically frets and waits for the chosen one to fulfill his dream – to become the "right" favorite in accordance with the format of the idea.
Feelings and desires of the object of love are not taken into account – they are just nonsense hindrances on the way to the goal. Love does not allow any objections to its ideal. And when a real person begins to interfere with the implementation of the expectations imposed on him, resentments and accusations of poor quality of response feelings fall on his side.
And the lover is surprised that the beloved does not understand that "everything is so simple, and you only need to go to the meeting of "love" – so important and "light" that even to admit its falsity is not possible. In fact, the" light " feelings of a lover are a whimsical, childishly naive anticipation of the realization of their most cherished fantasies.
Therefore, in other respects, there is such a paradoxical situation when the partner who really loves is perceived as cold and callous, and the lover with his motley emotions does not even notice the real person in fact, and rather on the contrary – does not love, so he remakes it with a rapturous pickiness.
As always, I deliberately thicken and exaggerate to emphasize the implicit.
Impenetrability
Blindness acts like a drug-it allows you to cover the inner emptiness-the fear of life without ideal supports, and causes severe withdrawal when the "drug" leaves the access zone. But the lover refuses to recognize the reality until the very end, because his hopes are so Grand, and his feelings are so " Holy»… As long as reality doesn't push them through, bringing down pitiless facts on fairy-tale dreams.
However, the collapse of unrealistic hopes does not allow everyone to draw constructive conclusions. The unlucky lover begins to think that the whole thing is about the injustice of life, which coldly deprived the expected dream. Or an inferiority complex comes into force, and then a person bends from a sense of unworthiness, saying that he simply did not deserve happiness due to his innate mental defects.
Take and deal with their idealism about no one can. It seems that this mechanism is rooted deep in the psyche of literally everyone. And the degree of realism, where the person is not chasing rainbow chimeras, and looks at life, even the most adequate people are very relative.
And love… There is nothing beyond it. This pleasure is real, without any embellishments and tedious expectations. No pathos or pathos.
But ask the layman about the difference between love and falling in love, and the answer will be that love is one for life, inexorable and eternal, and there are many loves. That is, they usually talk about the same blind idealization, but elevated to a superlative degree.
But we can also love what we have very conditionally. On progressman.ru a number of articles are devoted to the topic of psychic projections. Let me briefly remind you that life as we know it is a collection of subjective understandings. Therefore, love happens to a person when his picture of the world resonates in accordance with what is happening. A person can love when, with all his aspirations, he calms down and quietly allows everything to remain as it is.
Love is acceptance of what is happening. Falling in love is compensation for dissatisfaction with what is happening. Love agrees, love demands.
Перевод: Ушурова Ясмина https://incatalog.kz/